May 20, 2003
I'm taking this time to say things I'm happy about.
I'm very happy with Handsome. Handsome treats me well, he respects me, and he's a very nice person. He's a great artist and I think he can go somewhere in life. I really love the pictures he draws for me, and I'm glad he's understanding when I'm not as grateful as I should be.
I'm happy having Sempai as a friend. We can argue and still talk just fine later that day. Sempai is nice to me and I trust him.
I'm glad I have Anthony-sama. We have a lot of the same interests and we can debate topics, and when things start getting too tense we just shout something about pie. He's nice to me and I can talk to him about anything.
And I'm glad Gordon-sama is there too. I know that if anything happens between Youji-sama and I that he'll take care of me.
Now, I started writing this the other day, and I'm going to finish writing it today. I'm a little bit upset right now even though I know I shouldn't bother. It's like I can't even stop and play a video game sometimes without being judged. I was a little upset after being called "gay" and "fag" several times, among other things, and when it seemed everyone was disgusted by me. Why? I'm strong-willed, a virgin waiting until marraige. I don't do drugs nor do I drink. I go to Church every Sunday. I don't skip classes or go to any 'raves' or do all the bad stuff people expect college students to do.
But I'm a pansexual. I am dating Youji-sama, and Youji-sama is having a sex change to become a man. It doesn't bother me, I love him very much. But apparently I'm a sick, disgusting person because of it. Furthermore, Youji-sama is also a pansexual. Meaning that I am in the same position as he is.
It hurts when people don't understand this. I can understand some confusion. But when even my close friends tell me "Oh, you're just confused", it hurts. Like I can't decide for myself. This isn't something new that I decided just yesterday. It's something that's developed for years, and I've made my decision. This is part of the reason that I simply want to "disappear" for awhile when I have everything done. I'll be in enough stress and pain, and I don't need people lecturing me about how "I'm ruining my life". I remember when I was supposed to be talking to one of my mother's friends sort of as a counselor, and I mentioned that I wanted gay marraige to be legal (I had written an essay about it and was upset the teacher was giving me an F, which quickly turned into a B once I started bringing the tape recorder in) and she said she thought it was so wrong. All I could think was "Well, thanks." I didn't quite plan on being in the situation I am in now, but now I see that what I was fighting for before because I believed in it I'm now fighting for because I want to be able to be married myself. I'm not a pedophile, or a rapist, or a murderer. I just want to marry Handsome and live my life, and maybe adopt a child someday.
And I listen to people complain about how "I'm a lesbian and people won't understand". I can see that to an extent... But I'm in that position and then some. Technically I can be viewed as gay, bi and lesbian, and people always, always tell me "Well, you're just confused." Maybe I'm not confused. Maybe I actually know what I want and I'm not afraid of that choice.
I think the only people who really give me support are Youji-sama, Anthony-sama and Gordon (when we talk). Anthony-sama has been really great to me, he's so supportive and kind no matter what. I don't know what I'd do without him. It's not something I shove in peoples' faces. This is my personal site and this is the first time I've ever mentioned it, and probably the last. And I'm still a little paranoid. I really needed to get it out though, so here it is. I don't really pretend to be able to handle anything. I'm sensitive, and I'm not exactly a mentally stable person. But I am a good person, and I'm tired of people being disgusted by me because of something so stupid. I wish people would be more open-minded. Or at least judge me based on my actions, not on stereostypes.
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