May 17, 2003
I'm still indecisive. I do believe I will have to work. Handsome doesn't make that much money right now. Even before Handsome I will probably live with Gordon (Loniaer) and Anthony, and Gordon hardly makes anything either. He makes rock gardens for a living. He doesn't want me to get a job because he said an uke working makes a seme feel inadequate. I wonder what I should do.
I'm still considering an online resumé. If I was more confident in my abilities it'd be easier, but despite how I present myself I have a lot of mental problems that hold me back. I'm really afraid of that first unsatisfied customer. When things like that happen I tend to go into a panic attack. I can feel completely worthless, or like someone is going to kill me. A lot of times I will feel like there's a void in my stomach. Even when I know it's ridiculous I can't help it, and I don't think there's really a 'cure' for something like this. I can be completely calm and collecting or I can be completely, utterly spastic.
Yesterday Handsome accidentally said "I'll come to you". I could have had a heart attack. I thought he had a plan or a surprise. But it turned out he meant "It'll come to you". I'd really rather he come to me. I get lonely over here.
Sometimes I wish I was in a more productive mood. I want to work on my site, but I just don't feel like it right now. I work hard on my sites and I'm proud, I just wish I had it in me more often.
YuGiOh is on TV right now. It always makes me laugh, or at least Kaiba does. It's probably just me, but with the old opening they had a small part where the good guys get their face shots, and they all looked sad except for Kaiba. Everytime Kaiba's face came up I just imagined him saying "I can't look sad. Only pissed off." For some reason I find him funny. Does that guy ever smile?
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