April 22, 2003
I feel completely emotionally and physically drained. I'm not even sure what to say about it. It started happening back in about October or November, and I just haven't had anything ever since. I feel like everyone expects me to do everything. I've been trying so hard to keep up and I don't think people understand how tired I am. A couple weeks ago I was walking downstairs at the college with a girl from one of my classes and I just fell down the stairs. But I had to get back up because I had other places to go.
I don't have a single person I can talk to anymore. My neighbor used to be my best friend. Now she has a much older boyfriend. She's cut off her hair and she's hanging around a lot of people I don't care for. The last time I really talked to her about anything was because I was afraid I had a disease and I didn't have anyone else I could go to. I couldn't get anyone to take me to the doctor's and I didn't know the first thing about it because I can't remember a time I had ever been to the doctor's. It turned out that I had a few infections and I had to take some pills for about a week. But now it seems like I can't talk to her anymore. If she tells me to "call her on Friday" she won't be there on Friday.
When I started all my new classes I fell behind because my kitty was dying. Now I'm trying to keep up in my Programming and Calculus class and I'm just so far behind. I was staring at the computer screen today and I just couldn't think. I've been trying so hard and I just can't do it right now.
And I feel completely alone. There's not a single person I know that I can go to and talk to, not even about normal things. The person I love the most I've never even seen before, all my faith is completely resting on him, and I'm not sure he'll stay by me when we finally get to meet. I'm so emotionally screwy that I can't even walk in a straight line like a normal person (I'm not exaggerating). I'm not sure if he'll be able to handle me.
It seems like for at least two or three years I'm just going to be alone. I want everything to be ok but I'm so tired.
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